Blair Says

I sit eagerly in the hall watching the clock, counting the ticks until the bells chime on top. When they finally do I know it's five o-clock and Daddy will walk in the door. That's my favorite  time of day, when Daddy get's home from work, and Keith, Audrey and I run and jump into his arms. He will play with us as he walks into the kitchen to kiss Mommy. Then it's dinner time. We sit around the table eating whatever Mommy cooks and telling Daddy all about our days. We're all a happy family, who love each other and get along. 

The house is spotless. It hasn't been this clean since I was a child. When Dad left Mom was always too busy either working or sleeping to cook or clean, Freddy was too worthless to be bothered, and none of us kids cared enough to do more than a half assed job. But that's not the only change. I wander around and take in all the small changes that have taken place; Mom and Dad's wedding picture back up on the wall, the antique clock that hung in the hall is back, old family pictures are now proudly displayed. I walk upstairs and notice that Two-Bit even has his old quilt back on his bed. I stop in front of Audrey's door and reach for the handle. 

"Soda, Dally and me are going to build a boxcar and race it in the Derby next month!" Keith says between mouthfuls of mashed potato. "Mr. Curtis says he's gonna let us use his tools and everything. We're gonna win for sure, 'cause Dally know's how to use a wrench real well and Soda watches his dad fix the car lots of times."

Mommy smiles at him. "Keith, honey, you know it's rude to talk with your mouthful. Remember to sallow fist so you don't choke." She stands up and begins to collect the now empty dishes off the table, "now kids, I want you to listen to your father while I'm at work tonight. Keith that means you're in charge of putting your sisters to bed."

I feel my stomach drop. It's Wednesday again. I hate Wednesdays. Mommy always leaves after dinner to work at the diner all night. That means Daddy is in charge, and that means he's going to get mean. 

I push the door open and look around. I haven't been able to bring myself to walk into the room I shared with Audrey since I moved into the attic. I picture how it use to be set up; the wooden doll house sitting in the corner by the window, two small beds with matching pink floral bedding pushed agents the adjacent walls, two toy boxes sitting on the floor at the end of each with our names proudly displayed on the fronts. I take a step into the room, feeling the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. 

"Why the long face?" Keith asked, turning the tubs faucet. I didn't answer. I heard him ask, and I knew he'd get annoyed if I didn't answer, but my tears want to come, and my mouth wouldn't work. 

Keith pulled my dirt-soiled shirt over my head, and my shorts and my barbie panties down to the floor. "Time to get in the tub, Blair Bear." He lifted me off the floor and sat me in the warm water, soaking the rag, and squeezing it over my head. I pulled my eyes closed tightly, rubbing the water off my face. That's when I heard him. 

"I'll finish up here. How about you go help Audrey find a snack?" Keith smiled up at Daddy before jumping up and running out the door to the kitchen. I wanted to tell him to stay, or scream, but nothing worked. Even though I should tell him why I didn't like Daddy, I was sitting in the tub full of water, still as a statue. 

Laying my head down on the cold floor where my bed use to be I pull my knees into my chest. This time I can't contain them, the tears flow freely down my cheeks. My body violently shakes as the sobs escape from my lips. 

Tick-tock, tick-tock I listen to the clock in the hall. When the bell rings it'll be midnight. Audrey is already sleeping in the bed beside me, letting out little snores. Daddy's sitting in the living room drinking his Wild Turkey. I know when the bell rings he'll be done. He will walk down the hall and creep into the room. He's going to tell me how much he loves me, and how I'm his favorite, even though he can't show it all the time. He'll kiss me, and say I'm pretty like Mommy, and when he's done it's my bedtime. 

"Blair?" her voice is a combination of surprise and worry. When I don't respond she rushes across the bedroom and gathers me in her arms. "Blair, honey what's going on? Please, you're scaring me..."

"You look so much like her." He whispers. "Why can't she love me like you do?" He crumbles on the bed beside me. In the stream of light I watch his hands slip under my covers. "Mommy doesn't love me anymore. But that's why I have you, right Bumblebee?" I nod as he pulls my nightie up over my head. He leans over and kisses my lips. "Good girl. Now show Daddy just how much you love him" he unzips his pants and gently pulls my head down. 

My eyes flutter open to see Audrey looking at me, trying to hide tears of her own. "I remember...I remember what he use to do to me when he'd put me to bed." I watch as her face twists in confusion, trying to connect the scattered dots that create our broken past. I suck in a shaky breath before looking her in the eyes. "Where were you when I needed you? When everything was falling apart?" My voice broke as I choked out the last word before another wave of sobs overcame me. 

I know just what he want's me to do. I know what he likes, and what he expects. I also know that if I don't do it right, and sometimes even if I do, Daddy will be mad at me. He'll tell me nobody loves me, and then he'll spank me until it hurts to sit down. I know it's bedtime when he makes a funny sound and the sticky stuff is on me. Then he stands up, throws my nightie at me and tells me to get some sleep. 


"Blair...I-I'm...Wha...You..." Audrey held me tight as she attempted to stammer out a sentence. 

The bright sunlight washes over the room like a warm blanket. Mommy yells to us from downstairs that it's time to wake up. I smile, excited that I get to see her and jump from my bed. "Blair..." Audrey giggles behind me, "you're nightie's on backwards again." I frown as my face heats up. I hate when I can't find the front of my nightie in the dark. Audrey and Keith always laugh at me in the morning. 

I stick my tongue out at her, before fixing it. Now I'm going to be the last one at the table. After I run downstairs I slide into my chair between Keith and Mommy and eat a mouthful of pancakes. Mommy's telling Audrey all about the cookie's we're going to make while she's at school, and Daddy's reading the morning paper while listening to Keith talk more about his boxcar. 

When we're done eating Mommy starts cleaning the dishes. Audrey and Keith kiss Daddy goodbye before running to catch the bus. When their gone he leans over and kisses my cheek. "I'm going to miss you most of all today Bumblebee" he whispers before kissing Mommy goodbye and leaving for work. 

"Because I was his Bumblebee" is all I can whisper before sleep pulled into the darkness.

Sin City

The bar is loud and hectic, full of all the local kids out to get trashed on a Friday night. I looked around, hoping that the girls from the party wouldn't be there. The day after the party the two of them tracked me down, wanting to continue the conversation. According to the two, Rhyan and Audrey, I was Audrey's younger sister no matter how much I try and convince them otherwise. It seemed like everywhere I went in town people agreed with them, always calling me Blair and thinking I'm joking when I correct them. 

“Hey Blair! Did I just see you pull up in a '63 Mercury Comet?” A guy who I recognized as a local mechanic walked up to me.

“Yes I did, and for the last time my name is Kayleigh Samantha Moss!”

“Riiight, this game again.”

“It's not a game. What is it with everyone in this town?” I could feel the irritation begin to rise inside me.

“Whatever you say Kayleigh,” he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “How about I buy you a drink and we start over?”

“Alright, but only because I'm going to prove to you that I'm not the crazy one. I'll take a beer.” I point over to a secluded table away from all the chaos. “I'll go grab us a table.”

“I like a woman who can tell a man what to do” he winks at me before walking off to the bar.

After ten minutes of waiting the mechanic walked over carrying a pitcher of beer. He sat down, sliding a glass across the tabletop to me. "I thought I was going to be proven crazy” He took a long sip from his cup and gave me a smug look. I shot him my best dirty look, if he was going to be cocky then he could wait. I slowly poured myself another drink...and then leaned across the table resting my head on my hands.

“First things first, what's your name?” I whisper to him.

“You mean you've never heard of me? I'm Sodapop Curtis.” His voice is filled with humor.

“Clearly you're not as popular as you like to think,” I accuse. If he wants to poke fun, then I can play his game better than he can.

“Are you planning on telling me about yourself anytime soon?”

“What do you want to know?”

“I’m – curious. Tell me about your life.”

“I moved here about a week ago.”

“Why?” The humor dripping in his voice.

“I graduated and wanted to get out of my parents house.”

“What was home like?”

“Fine. My mom works as a school teacher with mentally disabled kids and my dad is retired from the army. I like them fine enough.” This conversation is not going how I expected.

“Do you want to go home with me?”

“Why would you ask that?” I couldn't hide the shock on my face.

“Because -- If you really aren't Blair Matthews, there would be nothing keeping you from coming home with me tonight and fucking my brains out.” He leaned across the table so that his face was inches from mine. I looked deep into his eyes, trying to read him.

“You’re so… domineering,” I whisper.

“Blair wouldn't cross that line, her family and Jelly would get in the way. Kayleigh has nothing stopping her, so why the fuck not?”

Knowing that the only way to convince this town that I'm not who they think I am, I filled in the few inches between our faces and kissed him. I laugh in my head when he's taken by surprise. After a second I go to pull away, when he pulls my head closer to his with a free arm. The kiss deepens and a soft moan escapes him mouth.
"I'll take that as a yes." He grabs my hand and leads me out the door beside us and into the night.

* * *
I woke up the next morning to a ray of light washed over us. Our clothes were thrown all over the room, and the only thing keeping my bare skin from exposing was a thin white sheet. I rolled over to see Soda sprawled across the bed beside me. I couldn't help but giggle at how boy-like he looked in his sleep. I heard sounds coming from the TV in the next room and people crashing and banging around.

Wondering who Soda lived with, and not being able to fight the urge to go to the bathroom I stood up and wrapped the sheet around myself. Walking into the living room I came face to face with a group of guys, either roommates or friends, lounging around watching TV. There were two scary looking guys sitting on the couch drinking beers, while another sat on the floor inches from a Micky re-run that was on. After a minute they seemed to notice I was standing there and the room went silent.

"Umm...Hi guys. I'm just going to pee...Soda's still in be..."

"Kayleigh who are you..." I heard Soda come up behind me. "Fuck!"
I turned to see what he was cursing at. His gaze was held by the boy sitting on the couch wearing a grey wife beater with Mickey Mouse on the front. The expression 'if looks could kill' came to mind as he started yelling and jumped up. Soda took a few steps backward while protesting, "Two-Bit...It's...It's not what you think. She's not...We didn't..." Then the door slammed and the locked clicked.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

As I slowly opened my eyes, I found I was staring at a familiar ceiling. It was the same ceiling that I had been waking up to for the past month; since the night Rhyan found me on the street I had been staying in her spare bedroom. I hadn't seen or spoken to Two-Bit or Audrey since the night I slipped out my bedroom window and ran off into the night. They wouldn't understand. They would insist on dragging me back to play house with that man. No, I couldn't face those demons yet. Besides which history would the believe anyways, their mute baby sister who bothers people just by being alive or, their superman father who is swooping in and is willing to save them from the disaster that has become their home life. No, I was perfectly happy living with the Thatchers. Rhyan and I have fallen into a sort of routine. During the day while she was at school, I would sit around getting royally fucked out of my mind on whatever drugs Owen would give me, and by the time evening rolled around I would have dinner on the table for the three of us. After, Rhyan and I would go into the living room and watch a movie or two, sometimes Dallas would join us, but if we were alone she would attempt conversation. It surprised me how easy it was to open up to Rhyan. She would ask questions and I would answer, but if I stayed mute she never pushed. 

Last week, while we were washing the dinner dishes in silence the doorbell rang. Thinking that it was probably Dallas I continued with my chore. Moments later I heard a range of familiar voices as Jelly, Kit, and Dawn walk in all laughing about something Rhyan had told them. They were all talking about what movie they were going to catch at the theater, since all the guys were going to the rodeo that was in town. "Are you coming Blair?" My stomach sank as I suddenly realized that my sister was with the group. I froze, clinging to the plate in my hands so tight my knuckles turned white. I didn't know what to say, what to do. No I thought to myself I'm not going anywhere you're going to be. 

Before anyone had a chance to say or do anything Rhyan smiled as wide as she could, "of course she's coming! It's girls night."

* * *

I had managed to ignore Audrey for the majority of the night; making sure people were between us while walking, not opening my mouth to talk to anyone, sitting in the farthest chair from her when the movie started. I could tell she was bothered by it all. She clearly wanted to talk to me about this past month, but in order for that to happen Daddy's little girl would have to admit that Daddy wasn't such a great guy. Not that she would believe the truth. She'd blame me, tell me I'm a liar and march right over to him with a giant fuck you. 

Not that Two-Bit would be any better. He believes that he has been our protector all this time, and on the one hand he has been. However, before That Man walked out on us he was just as bad as Audrey. He was the boy, the favorite. Wanting to be just like our father he would believe anything out of the mans mouth.

My thoughts were interrupted as two pairs of hands threw me to the ground. One pair held me down, while the other started to drift down my body. My heart was racing. All I could hear was screaming and someone crying. The top button of my jeans popped off and everything went black ...

* * *

The house was filled with people. Probably a few hundred or so. I could hear the music blasting from two blocks away, that's how I found myself now standing outside. I wondered what they were celebrating; from the looks of some of the guests it looked like they should be at a hospital, let alone doing keg stands and smoking god knows what. I watched as a fleet of motorcycles sped into the driveway, parking them in perfect formation along the side. The drivers all hopped off and walked into the party; all expect the youngest looking one. A tall Latino with a shaved head full of tattoos. He stood back on the pavement, watching as his friends emerged themselves into the crowd. As he surveyed his surroundings his eyes landed on me. 

"Some party huna?" His smile reminded me of a happy-go-lucky school boy. 

"Couldn't tell you. I wasn't exactly invited." 

"Well, I could fix that for you. Let me grab us a drink."

"Now what makes you think I'm the kinda girl that lets random guys buy me drinks?"

He smirked. "I was hoping you'd do me the honor of letting me buy you a drink. We're celebrating!"

"My mama raised me to never take a drink from a big scary stranger ...." I winked at him. "Especially the ones that have tattoos."

I watched as he took off the finger-less leather glove he had been wearing. After putting it in one of his pockets he held his hand out to me. "Juan Carlos Ortiz, but friends call me Juice."

I smirked, "Now, has about that drink ... Juice."

We walked into the house, past a couple fighting and into the kitchen. "Pick your poison" he motioned to a table that had various kinds of alcohol bottles standing on it. I shrugged and pointed to a bottle of Jack Daniels. He poured two cups before handing me one. "So do I get to know your name?" 

Before I could answer a girl with long brown hair came stumbling over to us, followed closely by a slightly taller blonde. "Blair! There you are! We were getting worried. Nobody had seen you since before the fight" the brunette yelled over the music. I looked around for the friend she could have been talking to, but there was no one else in the room.

"I'm sorry," I yelled back, "you must have me confused with someone else." 

She gave me a confused look and was about to respond before she got cut off by her friend. "Common Blair! Rhyan's just trying to help, no need to be a bitch!" I couldn't help but laugh as the blonde stumbled over her slurred speech. "Can you just come home now? Two-Bit and I miss you. Not to mention Mom and Dad are worried sick..."

"I don't know what to tell you girls. I'm not your friend. Maybe she's in the other room..." I shook my head, "I just moved to town with my parents..."

I watched as the two drunk girls in front of me tried to understand what I had just told them. After a moment they started laughing and walked away. "So, Blair is it?" I turned my head to see Juice smirking at me and holding out a refilled cup. 

"No," I laughed shaking my head. "I've never met those two before in my life. I'm Kayleigh Moss."

Somethings Gotta Give

Could you pinpoint the very moment when your life began to fall apart? Mine happened the moment I walked into the kitchen after school Friday. It had been just another Friday; Angela spent the bus ride home telling me about a party she's going to with her new collage boyfriend, while I only half listened while counting down the seconds until I can retrieve my stash from my bedside table. Two-Bit would probably have a date or a party to crash, and Audrey would be running around somewhere with Owen leaving me free to get royally fucked up uninterrupted and wander around Tulsa. 

Walking into the house I could tell something was amiss. I could hear the mumble of voices coming from the kitchen, however only two of them I knew. It didn't take me long to figure out who the mystery voice was. Sitting around the table was Two-Bit, Audrey...and my father, all waiting for me to arrive. I stood there motionless as the three heads turned to look at me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my brother stand up and start to speak, although I didn't hear a word that he said. I was too busy taking in the older man sitting next to him. Although clearly older now; his face creased with wrinkles, and his dark coffee hair peppered with grey specks it was quite obviously the man that I hadn't seen in years. The man who tore my family apart and left us to try and pick up the pieces. 

Slowly, he stood next to Two-Bit and began to speak. "What Keith is trying to tell you is, I know that I can never ask you to forgive me for what I've done to you," his rough voice pulled me out of my trance "all I'm asking for is a chance to make it better. Please, Bumblebee?" At the sound of his pet name for me I flinched. Flashbacks of being a little girl popped into my head...

The early morning sun poured in trough my bedroom window letting me know it was time to get up. I could smell the breakfast Mommy was cooking for us downstairs. It's Saturday, my favorite day of the week because both Mommy and Daddy don't have to work. I jump out of bed and skip downstairs eager to get some alone time with my parents before Audrey and Keith wake up. "There's my Bumblebee!" Daddy smiles when he see's me. I love when he smiles at me, it makes me feel like I'm a good girl. "Ready for something to eat?" I nod and slide onto the chair beside him. "Mommy, can we go to the beach today?" For a moment I see both Mommy and Daddy frown before replying, "Blair, sweetheart we can't go to the beach today...It's Audrey's birthday remember?" I pout and cross my arms. Why does stupid Audrey always have to ruin everything? Isn't it enough that she's perfect, does she really have to take all Mommy and Daddy's attention away too?

"Blair?" I shook my head to see the faces of my family members staring at me with confused expressions. They were all waiting for my reaction. They always seemed to be waiting for my reaction. Maybe that's why Two-Bit yelled at me when he came home a few weeks ago. 'Enough with the dark shit, okay?' He had told me, little did he know just how dark it was. I tried to find the words to tell them the truth. I wanted more than anything to be able to scream my demons, and not stop until every one of them is finally out in the open for the world to see. Instead, I turned on my heel and ran into the bathroom, locking the door firmly behind me. 

Walking over to the medicine cabinet I retrieved one of Two-Bit's fresh blades from the safety container next to his razor. I slid down along the tiled wall of the bathroom until I was sitting underneath the sink. Then I dragged the makeshift knife over the white canvas of my inner arm. As soon as I did it I wished I could take it back. Crazy girls did this, girls who walked like zombies though young adult novels. But. I felt the sting of the skin as it split, the sweet swelling rise of blood. It hurt, though not as much as everything else.

I did a very bad thing. I don't know how I did it, but I made Daddy leave us forever. The other day he told Mommy he was leaving to go to work, but he never came home. Now everyone is really sad, and Mommy's sister Aunite Sarah is over a lot. I don't really like Auntie Sarah. She's always mad and yelling at us, but not this time. She asked me to go get Keith for lunch, but when I got to his room he was crying. I had never seen Keith cry before. He was usually the one taking care of us; telling jokes or doing something funny until we forget about crying and start laughing. I stood in his doorway, not knowing if I should go get Mommy for help. After a moment he looked up at me and I felt the tears start to fall down my cheeks, "S-sorry! I-I didn't mean to!" and then I ran. I ran until I was hidden safely at the back of my closet so nobody could find me and yell at me for making Daddy leave us. 

When the bleeding slowed I crept out of the bathroom and up the attic stairs to my room. The good thing about having your bedroom in the attic was that unless someone saw you going to or from the room, you were virtually invisible. I stumbled over to my bed as I began shaking violently. This was just too much. I had to get away; away from the man who ruined my life and the brother and sister who chose to forgive him instead of protecting me from his evilness. My head spun with the echos of distant memories and the events that happened downstairs moments ago. 

I fumbled over to the window and pulled it open. I am use to sneaking out of the house, however it was normally from Two-Bit's room on the second floor. I reached out and found the drainpipe that lay inches away from my window. It seemed strong enough, so using the brick siding as grip I scaled down the outer wall of my house. I could hear Audrey and Two-Bit's voices coming from an open window as I walked around to the front of the house. "She's been in a dark spot for a few years now. Honestly I think it's because she misses you. Having you around more often will do her some good." I felt the contents of my stomach start to rise. I had to get out of there. I had to get to a place where I was sure nobody would find me.

***

I had no idea where I was going. There is no worse feeling in this world than running away and knowing that you have absolutely no place to go, and nobody to care about you. I knew that if I walked south I would end up running into a soc and getting jumped, so instead I walked east. I had no destination, I just knew that I didn't want Two-Bit or Audrey to find me. They would try and make me go back home. They would want me to talk to Dad and have a big emotional reunion with him. My eyes started to sting with tears, and I bit my cheek to try and keep them at bay. They didn't understand. Nobody understands. 

I heard someone screaming. They sounded so lost and so scared. I looked around for them, but I couldn't find anyone. But the screaming continued. It got so loud that I had to cover my ears and put my head between my legs. Then I felt someone wrap their arms around me. "Blair? Blair!" I looked up to see Rhyan looking down at me with a worried expression on her face. "What's wrong?! Are you in pain?" 

I shook my head confused. "She's hurt! I can't find her, but someone has to help her!"

Now it was Ryan's turn to look confused. "There's nobody else around Blair. Just me and you. Why were you screaming?" 

How can she think it was me? The girl who never speaks, yelling in the middle of the street? That doesn't add up. But I couldn't explain that to her. She wouldn't understand, and then she would think I was crazy. "Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright, but it's never enough". 

"Come on Blair. You have to let someone in. You have to let someone care. If you keep going at the rate you're at there'll be nothing left of you. You'll just be a corpse walking around, hurting yourself and anyone else in your path."

"Don't you get it? I really don't give a shit if I die.What exactly, is there to live for?"

Rhyan stood up and shook her head. Holding out her hand to me she said, "How can I show you? You have so much out there for you."

Payment

I hate owing people. That's part of the reason why I don't have friends. Once your owe somebody they control you. The best way to never get your heart broken is to make people think you don't have one. Most of the gang had run off the California for spring break, leaving me behind to do what I may without the prying eyes of my older siblings. Since the night of the party I'd spent most of my time locked in my room, escaping into a whorl wind of pills, pot, and music so loud it drowned out all my thoughts. Dallas Winston had saved me. The one person in the entire world I didn't want to have something to hold over me...Well second person if I count my father. I had heard from Audrey that Rhyan had dumped Dally before their vacation. 

I looked at the clock, 6:38 too early for anyone I'd know to be at Bucks, but Dally would've been there for a couple hours now, especially if he was emotional about his break up with Rhyan. Standing up I took the shortest, jean miniskirt that I owned out of my closet and put it on after putting on my undergarments. Then I took out a white, button up shirt and put it on. I brushed my hair, did my makeup, put my shoes on, and went out to the living room to check out my appearance in the mirror. If was was going to do this, I sure as hell was going to do it right. 

After putting on a pair of Audrey's heels I walked down to Buck's bar. The idea of sleeping with Dally was playing in my mind. I knew plenty of girls from around town who have spent time in his bed, but they were normally sleazy and probably disease ridden. I shook my head and slipped one of my Mom's Valiums into my mouth. When I walked into the bar there were only a few people sprinkled around, mostly drunks who had been there all day, spending their pay checks before they could use it to pay off child support. As usual Buck was working the bar, so I walked over and smiled. 


"'Ey, Blair Matthews. It's a bit early don't you think?" I only rolled my eyes and pointed towards the staircase that lead to Dally's room. He chuckled to himself before replying, "Yea, he's up there. Although I never pegged you as one of Winston's bawds." I made my way up the stairs and knocked on the door. It was silent for a moment before I heard a muffled "One sec!". I took that moment to pop another pill before the door swung open and there stood the man I was indebted to for the past week. 


Before I knew it, my lips were pressed against his and his hands were on my hips."Blair, what are you doing?" He sounded unsure, yet he didn't stop me. "Shut up Dallas" I forcefully pushed him toward the bed, pressing into him, not breaking the kiss once. When we made it to the bed he pulled me down on top of him. The kiss grew more passionate and I moaned into his mouth. Thoughts of the night of the party, and thoughts of betraying Rhyan flooded my head but I pushed them away. I was here to pay a debt, not to worry about others feelings. 

Dally started unbuckling his jeans with one hand and his other hand was making its way under my skirt. I sat up and quickly tore my top off, flinging it to the floor, not caring where it went. I pressed my bare chest against his muscular body and I moaned as his hands and lips to roam my body. He entered me and I grabbed his shoulders, bucking my hips along with his. Now I knew why girls were so willing to sleep with Dallas Winston, he was better than any of the boys at the high school. He definitely knew what he was doing. 

When we were done, he pulled out and lay on the opposite side of the bed, and I lay on top of him. After a few minutes he said, "Well...That was unexpected. I always figured you hated me." Our eyes met for a moment before I crawled out of his bed and began pulling my underwear back on. "Now...." I said as I pull his oversized shirt on over my head, "we're even Winston." And with that I walked out of his room and back down to the bar. 

What Doesn't Kill You

My brother had always told me to stay away from the Shepard house. He had never really gotten along with Tim, but when Angela found me at lunch Friday and invited me to a party she was having I couldn't help but agree to go. I showed up just before midnight. The house was filled with people, mostly from Tim's gang with a few of Curly and Angela's friends thrown into the mix. I wasn't surprised that I didn't see anybody I knew there, our gang doesn't usually venture to this side of town, expect Dallas who has a man-crush on Tim. I walked around looking for Angela, or anyone I recognized.

That's when I spotted him. He was sitting at a table playing poker with a group of guys from the Shepard's outfit. I took in the look of triumph on his face as he laid down a winning hand, the way the cigarette hung carelessly from his mouth, and the bleach blonde tramp who was sitting contently on his lap, running her fingers threw his hair and nibbling at his neck. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Slutzilla would most likely end the night by heading with him back to his room, I however would never be more than his sisters friend. 

"Do you want to dance?" I looked up to see a guy standing beside me. I had never seen him around before, but he was older than me, probably closer to Darry's age. I shrugged, thankful for the distraction and followed him onto the dance floor. He kept pulling me closer to him, while trying to hike my skirt up just below my ass. After a couple hours of drinks, pills and polite flirting he lead me into the closest room he could find. 

"Why don't you come with me to my place." He stood in front of me pressing me ageist the wall. 

"Thanks for the offer." I said, faking a smile. I looked around the room, trying to figure out how long it would take me to make it to the door. I could hear the party in full force on the other side of the thin wall, and contemplated how I was going to join it. 

"Thank you for tonight Chad. I had fun." I tried to move away from him. 

"It's no problem." He said as he grabbed my wrist. "Where are you going? I thought you were coming over to my place for some more fun". He got this look in his eyes and suddenly my heart was pounding at eighty miles per hour and my adrenalin was pumping. 

"No, that's alright. I think I'm just going to go to sleep." I said, trying to keep myself calm. I was stuck in in a room with a guy twice my size and music so loud that nobody would hear my cries for help. Chad wasn't letting go of my wrist. This is what you get the little voice in the back of my head mocked me. 

"Why would you sleep when you could have fun with me?" His grip on my wrist was too tight, it was starting to hurt...a lot. 

"You're hurting my wrist, let go." I said through clenched teeth. I was trying not to let the pain show through my voice. He pulled me back into him and grabbed my face in his hands. He pressed me down into the wall and started to kiss me hard. I could feel the tears begin to flow down my cheeks, as I tried to move my head away from him. He moved his hands, from my face, and pinned my hands down at the sides. I couldn't move my head away either, since he was pressing it back into the wall with his head. That's when I heard the door open. Someone grabbed his shirt and I heard him scream. He screamed like a little girl. I opened my eyes and saw Dally holding Chad's shirt by the collar and started punching him. I ran out of the room and into the yard, but not before I heard Dally start screaming at Chad. 

"DON'T YOU EVER, EVER GO NEAR HER AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?" I curled over at the end of the driveway just as the vomit began to come. My mind was racing as I emptied the contents of my stomach on the asphalt, if Dally hadn't showed up, I didn't want to think of what would've happened. I heard Dally calling my name from the front door as I sat on the ground and cried uncontrollably.

"Blair! BLAIR! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I heard him run over to me. He stopped just in front of me, examining me with a worried expression. "Are you alright? Did he hurt you?!" He asked frantically. I didn't say anything, my mind still racing. I waited for him to tell me how stupid I am, or call me a dirty name, but instead he took me into his arms and cradled me in his chest.

"I would never have let anything happen to you." He whispered. I opened my mouth to tell him, he couldn't always be there and I know all to well what would've happened if he hadn't have come. Before I could say any of this I was cut off by my own sobs and hyperventilating. "I said I would never let anything happen to you, and I mean it." He said, looking straight into my eyes. 

"I'm sorry I caused you all this trouble," I started crying again, and he just held me there.

Just Listen

Saturday. The day I am always guaranteed to have to myself. Two-Bit will be too hungover to drag me over to the Curtis house, and Audrey will try and convince me to spend the day with her and the girls, but won't press when I don't go. Mom will be working her second job, and Freddy will be out doing whatever it is he does. This all equals out to me locked in my room with my best friend Mary Jane mixed with a bit of X.  Saturdays are the days I don't have to be Blair Matthews, the psycho little sister who barley utters a word. I get to float away, have adventures that Blair would never in her wildest dreams get to have. The one day that I get to escape my demons. 

I was brought out of my thoughts by the ringing of the telephone in the kitchen. I waited for someone to answer it, but then I figured that Audrey was probably in her room sleeping off a hangover. I got out of bed and walked down the hall. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Kathy calling with the county court house. I am looking for Christopher Matthews. Would he be in?"

I sighed. Although it's been over a decade since my father has lived here, we still get the occasional call looking for him. Usually it's a bill collector or some lawyer trying to serve him. "He moved. Don't know what his address or contact information is." Then I hung up. No use fighting with them. 

I decided to take a shower before I settled into my routine. People find it easier to pretend your normal if you make an effort to look the part on the outside. As I walked down the hall I stopped outside Audrey's room. I knew she was in there, the only person who I could count on to come home to her bed, no matter what she was doing that night. She never stays out all night like Two-Bit. I listened for a moment, trying to hear if she was awake or not. My mind started to wonder, thinking about how simple it would be to walk inside her room and curl up next to her. She would welcome it with open arms. 

She would make it easy to tell her about the past. To tell her what happened to me for years...my biggest secret. She would sit there holding me. Not thinking, not judging, just listening while I opened up and poured my soul into her lap. I could feel the words forming in my mind. Explaining why I do the things I do. Why my mind is always working but I always stay mute. Why I find myself dealing with the tragedies different than her and our brother. Why it is that I refuse myself to love anyone, including her. 

My heart was screaming at me. Showing me in my mind that if I just opened the door I could put an end to the demons that have been chasing me since I was a child. Instead, I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. Closing the door with a slam and effectively locking it behind me. It was safer to hold it all in, where the only one who could judge was me. 

When my shower was over I was shocked to hear familiar voices coming from downstairs. I slipped on a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top and tiptoed down the stairs. To my horror I saw Kit, Jelly, Dawn and Audrey sitting in the living room. I was about to turn and run back to my room. To find a way to sneak out of the house and enjoy my Saturday ritual elsewhere. However just as I was about to make my move Audrey spotted me, "Blair? Oh good you're up! We're having girls day, you should join us". 

Before I could shake my head the others chimed in, politely agreeing with my sister and extending her invitation to join them. There was clearly no choice in the matter, I was to join them and I was to be happy about it. The picture of my private party, perfectly hidden upstairs in my desk drawer flashed into my mind. That would have to wait. No good in letting them in on my secret. They would probably try and talk me out of it anyway. No, I would have to party later when they were done. 

I walked down the rest of the staircase and joined Jelly on the couch. "Morning Blair! How'd you sleep?" I smiled at her, hoping that satisfied her. For a moment I thought she was going to press me further but she was interrupted by Kit. "So like I was telling you guys before. This guy in my English class keeps making excuses to talk to me, you know asking for notes and shit. You think he likes me?" This effectively took the focus off me, as the girls chatted and gossiped with each other. Every once in a while someone would ask me a question, to which I would answer simply with body language. 

It wasn't until everyone was leaving later that afternoon that Jelly approached me again. I had gone into the kitchen for a drink, while Audrey and the rest of the girls were getting their coats on to go to the Dingo for something to eat. I turned from the fridge and she was just standing there in the doorway watching me with a curious expression. When she didn't say anything I offered her a tiny smile. She didn't say anything so I tried to walk past her. That's when she spoke, "did you have fun today Blair?" I looked at her and nodded quickly, hoping I could get up to my room without anymore conversation. "You know, you should hang out with us more often. We're usually more fun than today, and we'd love it if you came too." I didn't know how to react. So I didn't do anything, just looked her in the eye. 

After moments of silence Jelly took a deep breath and sighed. She lowered her voice so only I could hear her. "Why don't you talk Blair? Doesn't anyone ever ask you? Doesn't anyone ever care?" I blinked at her. I didn't know what to do. Nobody had ever said that to me before. Not my mom, or Audrey, or even Two-Bit. That's when I wanted to tell her. I wished more than anything that I could tell her. It's easier not to say anything. To shut your trap, button your lip. All that crap you hear on TV about communication and expressing your feelings is a lie. Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say.

Merry-Go-Round

I was really young when my dad left us. I don't even remember him. Two-Bit and Audrey do though. They took it really hard. They were real close to him. Two-Bit tried to find him once. He walked all around Tulsa looking for him, but never found him. He was six at the time and I was three.

After that, our mom started working two jobs and Two-Bit, Audrey and I spent more and more time at the Curtis's house. Mrs. Curtis was a stay-at-home mom and Mr. Curtis was like clock-work. Always coming and going to and from work at the same times each day. We could depend on them. They were always there for us. Of course mom is there for us too, but when she is, she's always exhausted and overworked. It's been hard for her.

Even after all these years, we're still having trouble getting on without him. My mom's still wishing he comes back. Two-Bit says he doesn't want him to return, but we all know that he does. I don't like talking about it, but deep down, I wish he'd show up on our doorstep.

A few years later, when I was seven, Audrey was nine and Two-Bit was ten, we got news that he had remarried. Along with our stepmother came two step-siblings, Michael, who is my age, and Lori, who is a year younger. We don't hear from them at all, and since we found out, we knew he wasn't coming back to us.

Maybe that's why mom let Freddy move in with us. She had been dating him of and on for the past couple of months, and she said that a second income could help us with the bills. Although I don't see how another mouth to feed is helping. About a week after he moved in he told mom that he lost his job and was now collecting unemployment. That's when the fighting started. 

At first they tried to hide it. Avoiding each other until they thought they were alone, then letting all hell break loose. It would wake me up at night, and I would hide in my closet waiting for them to stop. The first morning we woke up to mom hiding bruises, Two-Bit told me that if I ever heard them yelling I could run to his room, and to never be left alone with Freddy. 

It's ten years, and I spend more nights hiding in my brothers room than I do in my own bed, even though most nights he's not there. Two-Bit and Audrey learned to deal. They quickly learned that it's best not to be home. I, however, turned to myself. Nobody can hurt you if you don't let anybody in. Normally Two-Bit will get me to tag along with him to the Curtis house, but things are always rowdy there. 

Kit and the brothers are nice enough, especially Soda. He always talks to me when I go over. Pony and Johnny let me sit by them and listen to their conversations. Steve normally doesn't bother with me too much. The only time I mind going is when Dallas Winston is there. He scared me to hell.