Blair Says

I sit eagerly in the hall watching the clock, counting the ticks until the bells chime on top. When they finally do I know it's five o-clock and Daddy will walk in the door. That's my favorite  time of day, when Daddy get's home from work, and Keith, Audrey and I run and jump into his arms. He will play with us as he walks into the kitchen to kiss Mommy. Then it's dinner time. We sit around the table eating whatever Mommy cooks and telling Daddy all about our days. We're all a happy family, who love each other and get along. 

The house is spotless. It hasn't been this clean since I was a child. When Dad left Mom was always too busy either working or sleeping to cook or clean, Freddy was too worthless to be bothered, and none of us kids cared enough to do more than a half assed job. But that's not the only change. I wander around and take in all the small changes that have taken place; Mom and Dad's wedding picture back up on the wall, the antique clock that hung in the hall is back, old family pictures are now proudly displayed. I walk upstairs and notice that Two-Bit even has his old quilt back on his bed. I stop in front of Audrey's door and reach for the handle. 

"Soda, Dally and me are going to build a boxcar and race it in the Derby next month!" Keith says between mouthfuls of mashed potato. "Mr. Curtis says he's gonna let us use his tools and everything. We're gonna win for sure, 'cause Dally know's how to use a wrench real well and Soda watches his dad fix the car lots of times."

Mommy smiles at him. "Keith, honey, you know it's rude to talk with your mouthful. Remember to sallow fist so you don't choke." She stands up and begins to collect the now empty dishes off the table, "now kids, I want you to listen to your father while I'm at work tonight. Keith that means you're in charge of putting your sisters to bed."

I feel my stomach drop. It's Wednesday again. I hate Wednesdays. Mommy always leaves after dinner to work at the diner all night. That means Daddy is in charge, and that means he's going to get mean. 

I push the door open and look around. I haven't been able to bring myself to walk into the room I shared with Audrey since I moved into the attic. I picture how it use to be set up; the wooden doll house sitting in the corner by the window, two small beds with matching pink floral bedding pushed agents the adjacent walls, two toy boxes sitting on the floor at the end of each with our names proudly displayed on the fronts. I take a step into the room, feeling the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. 

"Why the long face?" Keith asked, turning the tubs faucet. I didn't answer. I heard him ask, and I knew he'd get annoyed if I didn't answer, but my tears want to come, and my mouth wouldn't work. 

Keith pulled my dirt-soiled shirt over my head, and my shorts and my barbie panties down to the floor. "Time to get in the tub, Blair Bear." He lifted me off the floor and sat me in the warm water, soaking the rag, and squeezing it over my head. I pulled my eyes closed tightly, rubbing the water off my face. That's when I heard him. 

"I'll finish up here. How about you go help Audrey find a snack?" Keith smiled up at Daddy before jumping up and running out the door to the kitchen. I wanted to tell him to stay, or scream, but nothing worked. Even though I should tell him why I didn't like Daddy, I was sitting in the tub full of water, still as a statue. 

Laying my head down on the cold floor where my bed use to be I pull my knees into my chest. This time I can't contain them, the tears flow freely down my cheeks. My body violently shakes as the sobs escape from my lips. 

Tick-tock, tick-tock I listen to the clock in the hall. When the bell rings it'll be midnight. Audrey is already sleeping in the bed beside me, letting out little snores. Daddy's sitting in the living room drinking his Wild Turkey. I know when the bell rings he'll be done. He will walk down the hall and creep into the room. He's going to tell me how much he loves me, and how I'm his favorite, even though he can't show it all the time. He'll kiss me, and say I'm pretty like Mommy, and when he's done it's my bedtime. 

"Blair?" her voice is a combination of surprise and worry. When I don't respond she rushes across the bedroom and gathers me in her arms. "Blair, honey what's going on? Please, you're scaring me..."

"You look so much like her." He whispers. "Why can't she love me like you do?" He crumbles on the bed beside me. In the stream of light I watch his hands slip under my covers. "Mommy doesn't love me anymore. But that's why I have you, right Bumblebee?" I nod as he pulls my nightie up over my head. He leans over and kisses my lips. "Good girl. Now show Daddy just how much you love him" he unzips his pants and gently pulls my head down. 

My eyes flutter open to see Audrey looking at me, trying to hide tears of her own. "I remember...I remember what he use to do to me when he'd put me to bed." I watch as her face twists in confusion, trying to connect the scattered dots that create our broken past. I suck in a shaky breath before looking her in the eyes. "Where were you when I needed you? When everything was falling apart?" My voice broke as I choked out the last word before another wave of sobs overcame me. 

I know just what he want's me to do. I know what he likes, and what he expects. I also know that if I don't do it right, and sometimes even if I do, Daddy will be mad at me. He'll tell me nobody loves me, and then he'll spank me until it hurts to sit down. I know it's bedtime when he makes a funny sound and the sticky stuff is on me. Then he stands up, throws my nightie at me and tells me to get some sleep. 


"Blair...I-I'm...Wha...You..." Audrey held me tight as she attempted to stammer out a sentence. 

The bright sunlight washes over the room like a warm blanket. Mommy yells to us from downstairs that it's time to wake up. I smile, excited that I get to see her and jump from my bed. "Blair..." Audrey giggles behind me, "you're nightie's on backwards again." I frown as my face heats up. I hate when I can't find the front of my nightie in the dark. Audrey and Keith always laugh at me in the morning. 

I stick my tongue out at her, before fixing it. Now I'm going to be the last one at the table. After I run downstairs I slide into my chair between Keith and Mommy and eat a mouthful of pancakes. Mommy's telling Audrey all about the cookie's we're going to make while she's at school, and Daddy's reading the morning paper while listening to Keith talk more about his boxcar. 

When we're done eating Mommy starts cleaning the dishes. Audrey and Keith kiss Daddy goodbye before running to catch the bus. When their gone he leans over and kisses my cheek. "I'm going to miss you most of all today Bumblebee" he whispers before kissing Mommy goodbye and leaving for work. 

"Because I was his Bumblebee" is all I can whisper before sleep pulled into the darkness.