Just Listen

Saturday. The day I am always guaranteed to have to myself. Two-Bit will be too hungover to drag me over to the Curtis house, and Audrey will try and convince me to spend the day with her and the girls, but won't press when I don't go. Mom will be working her second job, and Freddy will be out doing whatever it is he does. This all equals out to me locked in my room with my best friend Mary Jane mixed with a bit of X.  Saturdays are the days I don't have to be Blair Matthews, the psycho little sister who barley utters a word. I get to float away, have adventures that Blair would never in her wildest dreams get to have. The one day that I get to escape my demons. 

I was brought out of my thoughts by the ringing of the telephone in the kitchen. I waited for someone to answer it, but then I figured that Audrey was probably in her room sleeping off a hangover. I got out of bed and walked down the hall. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Kathy calling with the county court house. I am looking for Christopher Matthews. Would he be in?"

I sighed. Although it's been over a decade since my father has lived here, we still get the occasional call looking for him. Usually it's a bill collector or some lawyer trying to serve him. "He moved. Don't know what his address or contact information is." Then I hung up. No use fighting with them. 

I decided to take a shower before I settled into my routine. People find it easier to pretend your normal if you make an effort to look the part on the outside. As I walked down the hall I stopped outside Audrey's room. I knew she was in there, the only person who I could count on to come home to her bed, no matter what she was doing that night. She never stays out all night like Two-Bit. I listened for a moment, trying to hear if she was awake or not. My mind started to wonder, thinking about how simple it would be to walk inside her room and curl up next to her. She would welcome it with open arms. 

She would make it easy to tell her about the past. To tell her what happened to me for years...my biggest secret. She would sit there holding me. Not thinking, not judging, just listening while I opened up and poured my soul into her lap. I could feel the words forming in my mind. Explaining why I do the things I do. Why my mind is always working but I always stay mute. Why I find myself dealing with the tragedies different than her and our brother. Why it is that I refuse myself to love anyone, including her. 

My heart was screaming at me. Showing me in my mind that if I just opened the door I could put an end to the demons that have been chasing me since I was a child. Instead, I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. Closing the door with a slam and effectively locking it behind me. It was safer to hold it all in, where the only one who could judge was me. 

When my shower was over I was shocked to hear familiar voices coming from downstairs. I slipped on a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top and tiptoed down the stairs. To my horror I saw Kit, Jelly, Dawn and Audrey sitting in the living room. I was about to turn and run back to my room. To find a way to sneak out of the house and enjoy my Saturday ritual elsewhere. However just as I was about to make my move Audrey spotted me, "Blair? Oh good you're up! We're having girls day, you should join us". 

Before I could shake my head the others chimed in, politely agreeing with my sister and extending her invitation to join them. There was clearly no choice in the matter, I was to join them and I was to be happy about it. The picture of my private party, perfectly hidden upstairs in my desk drawer flashed into my mind. That would have to wait. No good in letting them in on my secret. They would probably try and talk me out of it anyway. No, I would have to party later when they were done. 

I walked down the rest of the staircase and joined Jelly on the couch. "Morning Blair! How'd you sleep?" I smiled at her, hoping that satisfied her. For a moment I thought she was going to press me further but she was interrupted by Kit. "So like I was telling you guys before. This guy in my English class keeps making excuses to talk to me, you know asking for notes and shit. You think he likes me?" This effectively took the focus off me, as the girls chatted and gossiped with each other. Every once in a while someone would ask me a question, to which I would answer simply with body language. 

It wasn't until everyone was leaving later that afternoon that Jelly approached me again. I had gone into the kitchen for a drink, while Audrey and the rest of the girls were getting their coats on to go to the Dingo for something to eat. I turned from the fridge and she was just standing there in the doorway watching me with a curious expression. When she didn't say anything I offered her a tiny smile. She didn't say anything so I tried to walk past her. That's when she spoke, "did you have fun today Blair?" I looked at her and nodded quickly, hoping I could get up to my room without anymore conversation. "You know, you should hang out with us more often. We're usually more fun than today, and we'd love it if you came too." I didn't know how to react. So I didn't do anything, just looked her in the eye. 

After moments of silence Jelly took a deep breath and sighed. She lowered her voice so only I could hear her. "Why don't you talk Blair? Doesn't anyone ever ask you? Doesn't anyone ever care?" I blinked at her. I didn't know what to do. Nobody had ever said that to me before. Not my mom, or Audrey, or even Two-Bit. That's when I wanted to tell her. I wished more than anything that I could tell her. It's easier not to say anything. To shut your trap, button your lip. All that crap you hear on TV about communication and expressing your feelings is a lie. Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say.

Merry-Go-Round

I was really young when my dad left us. I don't even remember him. Two-Bit and Audrey do though. They took it really hard. They were real close to him. Two-Bit tried to find him once. He walked all around Tulsa looking for him, but never found him. He was six at the time and I was three.

After that, our mom started working two jobs and Two-Bit, Audrey and I spent more and more time at the Curtis's house. Mrs. Curtis was a stay-at-home mom and Mr. Curtis was like clock-work. Always coming and going to and from work at the same times each day. We could depend on them. They were always there for us. Of course mom is there for us too, but when she is, she's always exhausted and overworked. It's been hard for her.

Even after all these years, we're still having trouble getting on without him. My mom's still wishing he comes back. Two-Bit says he doesn't want him to return, but we all know that he does. I don't like talking about it, but deep down, I wish he'd show up on our doorstep.

A few years later, when I was seven, Audrey was nine and Two-Bit was ten, we got news that he had remarried. Along with our stepmother came two step-siblings, Michael, who is my age, and Lori, who is a year younger. We don't hear from them at all, and since we found out, we knew he wasn't coming back to us.

Maybe that's why mom let Freddy move in with us. She had been dating him of and on for the past couple of months, and she said that a second income could help us with the bills. Although I don't see how another mouth to feed is helping. About a week after he moved in he told mom that he lost his job and was now collecting unemployment. That's when the fighting started. 

At first they tried to hide it. Avoiding each other until they thought they were alone, then letting all hell break loose. It would wake me up at night, and I would hide in my closet waiting for them to stop. The first morning we woke up to mom hiding bruises, Two-Bit told me that if I ever heard them yelling I could run to his room, and to never be left alone with Freddy. 

It's ten years, and I spend more nights hiding in my brothers room than I do in my own bed, even though most nights he's not there. Two-Bit and Audrey learned to deal. They quickly learned that it's best not to be home. I, however, turned to myself. Nobody can hurt you if you don't let anybody in. Normally Two-Bit will get me to tag along with him to the Curtis house, but things are always rowdy there. 

Kit and the brothers are nice enough, especially Soda. He always talks to me when I go over. Pony and Johnny let me sit by them and listen to their conversations. Steve normally doesn't bother with me too much. The only time I mind going is when Dallas Winston is there. He scared me to hell.