Somethings Gotta Give

Could you pinpoint the very moment when your life began to fall apart? Mine happened the moment I walked into the kitchen after school Friday. It had been just another Friday; Angela spent the bus ride home telling me about a party she's going to with her new collage boyfriend, while I only half listened while counting down the seconds until I can retrieve my stash from my bedside table. Two-Bit would probably have a date or a party to crash, and Audrey would be running around somewhere with Owen leaving me free to get royally fucked up uninterrupted and wander around Tulsa. 

Walking into the house I could tell something was amiss. I could hear the mumble of voices coming from the kitchen, however only two of them I knew. It didn't take me long to figure out who the mystery voice was. Sitting around the table was Two-Bit, Audrey...and my father, all waiting for me to arrive. I stood there motionless as the three heads turned to look at me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my brother stand up and start to speak, although I didn't hear a word that he said. I was too busy taking in the older man sitting next to him. Although clearly older now; his face creased with wrinkles, and his dark coffee hair peppered with grey specks it was quite obviously the man that I hadn't seen in years. The man who tore my family apart and left us to try and pick up the pieces. 

Slowly, he stood next to Two-Bit and began to speak. "What Keith is trying to tell you is, I know that I can never ask you to forgive me for what I've done to you," his rough voice pulled me out of my trance "all I'm asking for is a chance to make it better. Please, Bumblebee?" At the sound of his pet name for me I flinched. Flashbacks of being a little girl popped into my head...

The early morning sun poured in trough my bedroom window letting me know it was time to get up. I could smell the breakfast Mommy was cooking for us downstairs. It's Saturday, my favorite day of the week because both Mommy and Daddy don't have to work. I jump out of bed and skip downstairs eager to get some alone time with my parents before Audrey and Keith wake up. "There's my Bumblebee!" Daddy smiles when he see's me. I love when he smiles at me, it makes me feel like I'm a good girl. "Ready for something to eat?" I nod and slide onto the chair beside him. "Mommy, can we go to the beach today?" For a moment I see both Mommy and Daddy frown before replying, "Blair, sweetheart we can't go to the beach today...It's Audrey's birthday remember?" I pout and cross my arms. Why does stupid Audrey always have to ruin everything? Isn't it enough that she's perfect, does she really have to take all Mommy and Daddy's attention away too?

"Blair?" I shook my head to see the faces of my family members staring at me with confused expressions. They were all waiting for my reaction. They always seemed to be waiting for my reaction. Maybe that's why Two-Bit yelled at me when he came home a few weeks ago. 'Enough with the dark shit, okay?' He had told me, little did he know just how dark it was. I tried to find the words to tell them the truth. I wanted more than anything to be able to scream my demons, and not stop until every one of them is finally out in the open for the world to see. Instead, I turned on my heel and ran into the bathroom, locking the door firmly behind me. 

Walking over to the medicine cabinet I retrieved one of Two-Bit's fresh blades from the safety container next to his razor. I slid down along the tiled wall of the bathroom until I was sitting underneath the sink. Then I dragged the makeshift knife over the white canvas of my inner arm. As soon as I did it I wished I could take it back. Crazy girls did this, girls who walked like zombies though young adult novels. But. I felt the sting of the skin as it split, the sweet swelling rise of blood. It hurt, though not as much as everything else.

I did a very bad thing. I don't know how I did it, but I made Daddy leave us forever. The other day he told Mommy he was leaving to go to work, but he never came home. Now everyone is really sad, and Mommy's sister Aunite Sarah is over a lot. I don't really like Auntie Sarah. She's always mad and yelling at us, but not this time. She asked me to go get Keith for lunch, but when I got to his room he was crying. I had never seen Keith cry before. He was usually the one taking care of us; telling jokes or doing something funny until we forget about crying and start laughing. I stood in his doorway, not knowing if I should go get Mommy for help. After a moment he looked up at me and I felt the tears start to fall down my cheeks, "S-sorry! I-I didn't mean to!" and then I ran. I ran until I was hidden safely at the back of my closet so nobody could find me and yell at me for making Daddy leave us. 

When the bleeding slowed I crept out of the bathroom and up the attic stairs to my room. The good thing about having your bedroom in the attic was that unless someone saw you going to or from the room, you were virtually invisible. I stumbled over to my bed as I began shaking violently. This was just too much. I had to get away; away from the man who ruined my life and the brother and sister who chose to forgive him instead of protecting me from his evilness. My head spun with the echos of distant memories and the events that happened downstairs moments ago. 

I fumbled over to the window and pulled it open. I am use to sneaking out of the house, however it was normally from Two-Bit's room on the second floor. I reached out and found the drainpipe that lay inches away from my window. It seemed strong enough, so using the brick siding as grip I scaled down the outer wall of my house. I could hear Audrey and Two-Bit's voices coming from an open window as I walked around to the front of the house. "She's been in a dark spot for a few years now. Honestly I think it's because she misses you. Having you around more often will do her some good." I felt the contents of my stomach start to rise. I had to get out of there. I had to get to a place where I was sure nobody would find me.

***

I had no idea where I was going. There is no worse feeling in this world than running away and knowing that you have absolutely no place to go, and nobody to care about you. I knew that if I walked south I would end up running into a soc and getting jumped, so instead I walked east. I had no destination, I just knew that I didn't want Two-Bit or Audrey to find me. They would try and make me go back home. They would want me to talk to Dad and have a big emotional reunion with him. My eyes started to sting with tears, and I bit my cheek to try and keep them at bay. They didn't understand. Nobody understands. 

I heard someone screaming. They sounded so lost and so scared. I looked around for them, but I couldn't find anyone. But the screaming continued. It got so loud that I had to cover my ears and put my head between my legs. Then I felt someone wrap their arms around me. "Blair? Blair!" I looked up to see Rhyan looking down at me with a worried expression on her face. "What's wrong?! Are you in pain?" 

I shook my head confused. "She's hurt! I can't find her, but someone has to help her!"

Now it was Ryan's turn to look confused. "There's nobody else around Blair. Just me and you. Why were you screaming?" 

How can she think it was me? The girl who never speaks, yelling in the middle of the street? That doesn't add up. But I couldn't explain that to her. She wouldn't understand, and then she would think I was crazy. "Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright, but it's never enough". 

"Come on Blair. You have to let someone in. You have to let someone care. If you keep going at the rate you're at there'll be nothing left of you. You'll just be a corpse walking around, hurting yourself and anyone else in your path."

"Don't you get it? I really don't give a shit if I die.What exactly, is there to live for?"

Rhyan stood up and shook her head. Holding out her hand to me she said, "How can I show you? You have so much out there for you."