Payment

I hate owing people. That's part of the reason why I don't have friends. Once your owe somebody they control you. The best way to never get your heart broken is to make people think you don't have one. Most of the gang had run off the California for spring break, leaving me behind to do what I may without the prying eyes of my older siblings. Since the night of the party I'd spent most of my time locked in my room, escaping into a whorl wind of pills, pot, and music so loud it drowned out all my thoughts. Dallas Winston had saved me. The one person in the entire world I didn't want to have something to hold over me...Well second person if I count my father. I had heard from Audrey that Rhyan had dumped Dally before their vacation. 

I looked at the clock, 6:38 too early for anyone I'd know to be at Bucks, but Dally would've been there for a couple hours now, especially if he was emotional about his break up with Rhyan. Standing up I took the shortest, jean miniskirt that I owned out of my closet and put it on after putting on my undergarments. Then I took out a white, button up shirt and put it on. I brushed my hair, did my makeup, put my shoes on, and went out to the living room to check out my appearance in the mirror. If was was going to do this, I sure as hell was going to do it right. 

After putting on a pair of Audrey's heels I walked down to Buck's bar. The idea of sleeping with Dally was playing in my mind. I knew plenty of girls from around town who have spent time in his bed, but they were normally sleazy and probably disease ridden. I shook my head and slipped one of my Mom's Valiums into my mouth. When I walked into the bar there were only a few people sprinkled around, mostly drunks who had been there all day, spending their pay checks before they could use it to pay off child support. As usual Buck was working the bar, so I walked over and smiled. 


"'Ey, Blair Matthews. It's a bit early don't you think?" I only rolled my eyes and pointed towards the staircase that lead to Dally's room. He chuckled to himself before replying, "Yea, he's up there. Although I never pegged you as one of Winston's bawds." I made my way up the stairs and knocked on the door. It was silent for a moment before I heard a muffled "One sec!". I took that moment to pop another pill before the door swung open and there stood the man I was indebted to for the past week. 


Before I knew it, my lips were pressed against his and his hands were on my hips."Blair, what are you doing?" He sounded unsure, yet he didn't stop me. "Shut up Dallas" I forcefully pushed him toward the bed, pressing into him, not breaking the kiss once. When we made it to the bed he pulled me down on top of him. The kiss grew more passionate and I moaned into his mouth. Thoughts of the night of the party, and thoughts of betraying Rhyan flooded my head but I pushed them away. I was here to pay a debt, not to worry about others feelings. 

Dally started unbuckling his jeans with one hand and his other hand was making its way under my skirt. I sat up and quickly tore my top off, flinging it to the floor, not caring where it went. I pressed my bare chest against his muscular body and I moaned as his hands and lips to roam my body. He entered me and I grabbed his shoulders, bucking my hips along with his. Now I knew why girls were so willing to sleep with Dallas Winston, he was better than any of the boys at the high school. He definitely knew what he was doing. 

When we were done, he pulled out and lay on the opposite side of the bed, and I lay on top of him. After a few minutes he said, "Well...That was unexpected. I always figured you hated me." Our eyes met for a moment before I crawled out of his bed and began pulling my underwear back on. "Now...." I said as I pull his oversized shirt on over my head, "we're even Winston." And with that I walked out of his room and back down to the bar. 

What Doesn't Kill You

My brother had always told me to stay away from the Shepard house. He had never really gotten along with Tim, but when Angela found me at lunch Friday and invited me to a party she was having I couldn't help but agree to go. I showed up just before midnight. The house was filled with people, mostly from Tim's gang with a few of Curly and Angela's friends thrown into the mix. I wasn't surprised that I didn't see anybody I knew there, our gang doesn't usually venture to this side of town, expect Dallas who has a man-crush on Tim. I walked around looking for Angela, or anyone I recognized.

That's when I spotted him. He was sitting at a table playing poker with a group of guys from the Shepard's outfit. I took in the look of triumph on his face as he laid down a winning hand, the way the cigarette hung carelessly from his mouth, and the bleach blonde tramp who was sitting contently on his lap, running her fingers threw his hair and nibbling at his neck. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Slutzilla would most likely end the night by heading with him back to his room, I however would never be more than his sisters friend. 

"Do you want to dance?" I looked up to see a guy standing beside me. I had never seen him around before, but he was older than me, probably closer to Darry's age. I shrugged, thankful for the distraction and followed him onto the dance floor. He kept pulling me closer to him, while trying to hike my skirt up just below my ass. After a couple hours of drinks, pills and polite flirting he lead me into the closest room he could find. 

"Why don't you come with me to my place." He stood in front of me pressing me ageist the wall. 

"Thanks for the offer." I said, faking a smile. I looked around the room, trying to figure out how long it would take me to make it to the door. I could hear the party in full force on the other side of the thin wall, and contemplated how I was going to join it. 

"Thank you for tonight Chad. I had fun." I tried to move away from him. 

"It's no problem." He said as he grabbed my wrist. "Where are you going? I thought you were coming over to my place for some more fun". He got this look in his eyes and suddenly my heart was pounding at eighty miles per hour and my adrenalin was pumping. 

"No, that's alright. I think I'm just going to go to sleep." I said, trying to keep myself calm. I was stuck in in a room with a guy twice my size and music so loud that nobody would hear my cries for help. Chad wasn't letting go of my wrist. This is what you get the little voice in the back of my head mocked me. 

"Why would you sleep when you could have fun with me?" His grip on my wrist was too tight, it was starting to hurt...a lot. 

"You're hurting my wrist, let go." I said through clenched teeth. I was trying not to let the pain show through my voice. He pulled me back into him and grabbed my face in his hands. He pressed me down into the wall and started to kiss me hard. I could feel the tears begin to flow down my cheeks, as I tried to move my head away from him. He moved his hands, from my face, and pinned my hands down at the sides. I couldn't move my head away either, since he was pressing it back into the wall with his head. That's when I heard the door open. Someone grabbed his shirt and I heard him scream. He screamed like a little girl. I opened my eyes and saw Dally holding Chad's shirt by the collar and started punching him. I ran out of the room and into the yard, but not before I heard Dally start screaming at Chad. 

"DON'T YOU EVER, EVER GO NEAR HER AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?" I curled over at the end of the driveway just as the vomit began to come. My mind was racing as I emptied the contents of my stomach on the asphalt, if Dally hadn't showed up, I didn't want to think of what would've happened. I heard Dally calling my name from the front door as I sat on the ground and cried uncontrollably.

"Blair! BLAIR! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I heard him run over to me. He stopped just in front of me, examining me with a worried expression. "Are you alright? Did he hurt you?!" He asked frantically. I didn't say anything, my mind still racing. I waited for him to tell me how stupid I am, or call me a dirty name, but instead he took me into his arms and cradled me in his chest.

"I would never have let anything happen to you." He whispered. I opened my mouth to tell him, he couldn't always be there and I know all to well what would've happened if he hadn't have come. Before I could say any of this I was cut off by my own sobs and hyperventilating. "I said I would never let anything happen to you, and I mean it." He said, looking straight into my eyes. 

"I'm sorry I caused you all this trouble," I started crying again, and he just held me there.

Just Listen

Saturday. The day I am always guaranteed to have to myself. Two-Bit will be too hungover to drag me over to the Curtis house, and Audrey will try and convince me to spend the day with her and the girls, but won't press when I don't go. Mom will be working her second job, and Freddy will be out doing whatever it is he does. This all equals out to me locked in my room with my best friend Mary Jane mixed with a bit of X.  Saturdays are the days I don't have to be Blair Matthews, the psycho little sister who barley utters a word. I get to float away, have adventures that Blair would never in her wildest dreams get to have. The one day that I get to escape my demons. 

I was brought out of my thoughts by the ringing of the telephone in the kitchen. I waited for someone to answer it, but then I figured that Audrey was probably in her room sleeping off a hangover. I got out of bed and walked down the hall. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Kathy calling with the county court house. I am looking for Christopher Matthews. Would he be in?"

I sighed. Although it's been over a decade since my father has lived here, we still get the occasional call looking for him. Usually it's a bill collector or some lawyer trying to serve him. "He moved. Don't know what his address or contact information is." Then I hung up. No use fighting with them. 

I decided to take a shower before I settled into my routine. People find it easier to pretend your normal if you make an effort to look the part on the outside. As I walked down the hall I stopped outside Audrey's room. I knew she was in there, the only person who I could count on to come home to her bed, no matter what she was doing that night. She never stays out all night like Two-Bit. I listened for a moment, trying to hear if she was awake or not. My mind started to wonder, thinking about how simple it would be to walk inside her room and curl up next to her. She would welcome it with open arms. 

She would make it easy to tell her about the past. To tell her what happened to me for years...my biggest secret. She would sit there holding me. Not thinking, not judging, just listening while I opened up and poured my soul into her lap. I could feel the words forming in my mind. Explaining why I do the things I do. Why my mind is always working but I always stay mute. Why I find myself dealing with the tragedies different than her and our brother. Why it is that I refuse myself to love anyone, including her. 

My heart was screaming at me. Showing me in my mind that if I just opened the door I could put an end to the demons that have been chasing me since I was a child. Instead, I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. Closing the door with a slam and effectively locking it behind me. It was safer to hold it all in, where the only one who could judge was me. 

When my shower was over I was shocked to hear familiar voices coming from downstairs. I slipped on a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top and tiptoed down the stairs. To my horror I saw Kit, Jelly, Dawn and Audrey sitting in the living room. I was about to turn and run back to my room. To find a way to sneak out of the house and enjoy my Saturday ritual elsewhere. However just as I was about to make my move Audrey spotted me, "Blair? Oh good you're up! We're having girls day, you should join us". 

Before I could shake my head the others chimed in, politely agreeing with my sister and extending her invitation to join them. There was clearly no choice in the matter, I was to join them and I was to be happy about it. The picture of my private party, perfectly hidden upstairs in my desk drawer flashed into my mind. That would have to wait. No good in letting them in on my secret. They would probably try and talk me out of it anyway. No, I would have to party later when they were done. 

I walked down the rest of the staircase and joined Jelly on the couch. "Morning Blair! How'd you sleep?" I smiled at her, hoping that satisfied her. For a moment I thought she was going to press me further but she was interrupted by Kit. "So like I was telling you guys before. This guy in my English class keeps making excuses to talk to me, you know asking for notes and shit. You think he likes me?" This effectively took the focus off me, as the girls chatted and gossiped with each other. Every once in a while someone would ask me a question, to which I would answer simply with body language. 

It wasn't until everyone was leaving later that afternoon that Jelly approached me again. I had gone into the kitchen for a drink, while Audrey and the rest of the girls were getting their coats on to go to the Dingo for something to eat. I turned from the fridge and she was just standing there in the doorway watching me with a curious expression. When she didn't say anything I offered her a tiny smile. She didn't say anything so I tried to walk past her. That's when she spoke, "did you have fun today Blair?" I looked at her and nodded quickly, hoping I could get up to my room without anymore conversation. "You know, you should hang out with us more often. We're usually more fun than today, and we'd love it if you came too." I didn't know how to react. So I didn't do anything, just looked her in the eye. 

After moments of silence Jelly took a deep breath and sighed. She lowered her voice so only I could hear her. "Why don't you talk Blair? Doesn't anyone ever ask you? Doesn't anyone ever care?" I blinked at her. I didn't know what to do. Nobody had ever said that to me before. Not my mom, or Audrey, or even Two-Bit. That's when I wanted to tell her. I wished more than anything that I could tell her. It's easier not to say anything. To shut your trap, button your lip. All that crap you hear on TV about communication and expressing your feelings is a lie. Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say.

Merry-Go-Round

I was really young when my dad left us. I don't even remember him. Two-Bit and Audrey do though. They took it really hard. They were real close to him. Two-Bit tried to find him once. He walked all around Tulsa looking for him, but never found him. He was six at the time and I was three.

After that, our mom started working two jobs and Two-Bit, Audrey and I spent more and more time at the Curtis's house. Mrs. Curtis was a stay-at-home mom and Mr. Curtis was like clock-work. Always coming and going to and from work at the same times each day. We could depend on them. They were always there for us. Of course mom is there for us too, but when she is, she's always exhausted and overworked. It's been hard for her.

Even after all these years, we're still having trouble getting on without him. My mom's still wishing he comes back. Two-Bit says he doesn't want him to return, but we all know that he does. I don't like talking about it, but deep down, I wish he'd show up on our doorstep.

A few years later, when I was seven, Audrey was nine and Two-Bit was ten, we got news that he had remarried. Along with our stepmother came two step-siblings, Michael, who is my age, and Lori, who is a year younger. We don't hear from them at all, and since we found out, we knew he wasn't coming back to us.

Maybe that's why mom let Freddy move in with us. She had been dating him of and on for the past couple of months, and she said that a second income could help us with the bills. Although I don't see how another mouth to feed is helping. About a week after he moved in he told mom that he lost his job and was now collecting unemployment. That's when the fighting started. 

At first they tried to hide it. Avoiding each other until they thought they were alone, then letting all hell break loose. It would wake me up at night, and I would hide in my closet waiting for them to stop. The first morning we woke up to mom hiding bruises, Two-Bit told me that if I ever heard them yelling I could run to his room, and to never be left alone with Freddy. 

It's ten years, and I spend more nights hiding in my brothers room than I do in my own bed, even though most nights he's not there. Two-Bit and Audrey learned to deal. They quickly learned that it's best not to be home. I, however, turned to myself. Nobody can hurt you if you don't let anybody in. Normally Two-Bit will get me to tag along with him to the Curtis house, but things are always rowdy there. 

Kit and the brothers are nice enough, especially Soda. He always talks to me when I go over. Pony and Johnny let me sit by them and listen to their conversations. Steve normally doesn't bother with me too much. The only time I mind going is when Dallas Winston is there. He scared me to hell.